Tsunamis are odd things. They start as a disturbance that happens deep under the water. The movement is slow at first, gaining inertia through the reconstitution of it's own energy, creating slow, long waves that almost appear harmless. Miles away, unassuming bystanders have no idea what it coming. There is no storm, no explosion, no breaking of levies, no crumbling of mountains...there is nothing to signify the impending danger. The sun still shines on the day of a tsunami. Videos of tsunamis often show the victims staring at the large rolling waves, their brains unable to process what is different about the sea. They stare into the blue, searching and scanning for something-but the same blue waves answer back. It isn't until the floods start to sweep away the structures that have been present for decades that the brain registers the danger. And it is only after the floods recede that everyone returns to survey the damage.
Years ago I experienced a small disturbance that happened deep under the water. I didn't notice the quiet rumble or subtle shift in the sediment...and yet, it was already moving, changing, growing. Cut to the present day, I am drenched, gasping for air, and returning to the scene to make a list of the things I lost in the flood. I surveyed the damage and found that my family, the love for my husband, my career, my education, and my will were still intact. Here is what I lost in the flood:
1. My sense of style. For the past three years I have either been pregnant, nursing, or trying to get pregnant. I have gained weight and retained water, making me look puffy and lumpy. I was limited in exercise and forbidden to diet. I didn't want to spend money on clothes because I might get pregnant again and wouldn't be able to wear the new clothes. I gave up shopping, accessories, and shoes. I replaced high heels for tennis shoes and comfortable boots. My designer jeans were tucked away in place of yoga pants and stretch jeans.
2. My beauty. I gave up all skin care regimens, certain hair treatments, waxes, and manicures and pedicures because of the potentially harmful effects on the non-existent fetus. I forgot how powerful, put together, and beautiful I felt when I took care of my looks. As the waves grew stronger, my personal sense of style and beauty began to erode. It etched my face, dulled my skin, and snuffed out the spark in my eyes, leaving gritty pools of grey underneath.
3. My sexuality, passion, and fertility. See above. It is hard to feel sexy and desirable when feeling fat, lumpy, dowdy and old. My sense of womanhood is intricately intertwined with my sexuality and fertility. The power of the tsunami ripped them apart from each other, leaving notches and scars where the three had grown as one. Although my fertility perished in the flood, my womanhood and sexuality have remained, temporarily weak, but with a renewed sense of strength now that they have been freed from interdependence.
4. My smile. Not the face smile I give everyone, but the smile that happens from the soul and shines outwards,spreading joy and happiness regardless of whether the face smile is present. It's the smile that doesn't require any effort and that takes my breath away every once in awhile.
5. My sense of adventure. I used to be the kind of person who loved to try new things, go new places, break the rules a little, and jump out of bounds every once in awhile just for the thrill. I delighted in creating my future. Then the tsunami happened and I became a slave to schedules, to needles, to the unknown. The future stood still, just waiting for me. I stood still, waiting for my future. We stared at each other, paralyzed, waiting for someone to make the first move.
Last night, as I scrubbed away the soot and the salt and took stock of what was lost, I also started to rebuild. I remembered how to walk in high heels, let the smile shine through my eyes, and remembered how it felt to feel sexy, stylish, and whole.
As with any natural disaster, there is much to be rebuilt...and yet, like with any natural disaster, there is an unwavering spirit and a sense of resilience that is revealed. There is new growth, new developments, new hope, new beauty.
While much was lost in the flood, fertile ground has been left behind, ready to birth a new future, ripe and colorful with possibility.
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